It’s a magical time on Good Ole’ Fort Meade. The installation’s holiday tree is bowing under the weight of thousands of lights, we’ve survived our first snow scare, and of course, the government is ringing in the season with another potential shutdown.
Actually, most of the government is shut during this season with extended vacations and long weekend/training holidays every other week from now until mid-February. But it doesn’t take Einstein to figure out, time off + a pay check > time off with no cash coming in.
Anyway, enough complaining. The PAO holiday party is less than four hours away, Creedence Clearwater Revival is blasting through the speakers and The Cowboys’ playoff chances survived another week thanks to an index card and Oakland QB Derek Carr trying to do too much.
If that wasn’t enough, my archrival Pittsburgh Steeler fans, who were oh-so-happy when Dez Bryant’s game-winning touchdown was overturned in 2015, now feel my pain after Jesse James failed to complete his catch against New England on Sunday.
To be clear, the call against Pittsburgh wasn’t bad — the rule itself is. But the idea of Pittsburgh fans crying in their Rolling Rock while chugging down pickled eggs faster than Cool Hand Luke is more than I could ever ask Santa for. (You are welcome for the Weird Al, Tim Davis.)
In fact, I’d probably kiss ole’ Santa right on his rosy cheeks if he could make something like that happen again, and I’d probably kiss Rudolph on his snotty red nose if he could bring two losses to Carolina, New Orleans or Atlanta.
Since I’m asking, I guess I better rattle off my annual Christmas wish list.
1. I wish I would have never mentioned to your Meade TV producer Bryan Spann that “Die Hard” was a Christmas movie. Now I still am confident in my assessment that the action classic is also a Yuletide flick, but Bryan clearly disagreed and went after me like his beloved USC Trojans lost the nation’s top recruit to UCLA or Clemson.
2. I wish I could be Milwaukee Bucks forward Giannis Antetokounmpo for just one day. Not only does he have two of the coolest nicknames in the world — “The Greek Freak” and “Letter Bro” — he also does things no other human has ever been able to do.
3. I wish “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” left the floating Leia scene on the cutting room floor. Overall, I gave the movie a solid B+, but that one scene was too mystical for even me.
4. I wish the “Gaggle Offense” was a bit more effective in youth basketball. For those of you who don’t know, the gaggle offense is when all the offense players gaggle in an open spot while one player dribbles around looking for an open man. It is very easy to defend, but my 8u and 10u teams have it down pat.
They probably need a better coach.
5. Usually about this time, I’d ask for a date with someone like Gal Gadot, aka Wonder Woman, or an all-time favorite like Lauryn Hill, but I’m pretty lucky with the lady I got. So maybe just a date with her (sans kids).
6. I wish my PAO and garrison teammates knew how grateful I am to work with them on a daily basis. I know I’m a touch crazy, occasionally demanding, and unrealistic, but you all continue to make our office shine.
7. I wish Michigan finally beats Ohio. Coulda, shoulda, woulda is starting to get really stale. Same goes for you, Dallas!
8. I wish our favorite members of the chaplain’s team, Marcia Eastland and JoAnn Johnson, would get back to sending me messages. I miss you two giving me beef for being right.
9. I wish the Detroit Tigers and new manager Ron Gardenhire can shock the baseball world.
10. I wish every member of Jabber Nation a happy and safe holiday.
I’ll see you in 2018.
But until then, if you have questions on this or anything to do with sports, contact me at email@example.com or hit me up on Twitter @CTJibber.