Jibber Jabber – Christmas Time

Chad T. Jones, Public Affairs Officer

So this is Xmas.

It’s Christmas time at old Fort Meade. I don’t do pork, so I’m not eating collard greens. Nor is there a Christmas tree because our presents get opened on Eid.

However, those minor details didn’t keep me from dressing up as Santa this year for the neighborhood kids. Only two kids cried, none of them did bathroom on my lap, and a few youngins actually brought me doughnuts.

TBH, I love the holiday season: Government employees have three, three-day weekends in the next month. No matter how cruddy your cable is, “Die Hard,” bit.ly/1LaEQti “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” bit.ly/21tYsOs and “Christmas Vacation” will be on TV.

And, of course, the sports will be great: The NFL will be on four days per week, there will be 40 college football games, and the Warriors vs. Cavs on Christmas Day is must-see.

And even though sugar and gingerbread cookies are gross, what’s there not to love about eggnog and lists? With that, here’s what the #middleagedgangsta wants under his proverbial tree:

A year’s supply of Carlson’s doughnuts. I understand this wouldn’t be good for my health. (Thanks for all the well-wishes, by the way. As the doc suspected, the ticker is fine, but my acid reflux has my body in flux.)

However, to bite a rhyme from M.C. Hammer, Carlson’s Boston cream and apple fritters are too legit for me to quit.

I want Steve Ellmore and Tony Romo to find success in their future endeavors.

Steve is heading up to the Pentagon after a three-year stint running Fort Meade’s Facebook page and sending out our text alerts — text, “Follow FtMeadeAlert” to 40404 (no quotation marks).

I don’t know where Cowboys QB Tony Romo will be playing next year, but after Dak Prescott’s 32-for-36 performance against Tampa Bay Sunday and the team’s 12-2 start, it is clear Tony’s future will not be in Big D.

I want people to stop fighting so much: Ever since ESPN started running “First Take” however many years ago, people have been taking the phrase “agree to disagree” to a whole new, depressing level.

Now you can’t even post facts like, “It’s cold outside” or “Michigan is the coolest looking state on the map” without starting an argument about global warming or imperialism. We all just need to take a pill and stop looking to be offended.

I want athletes to stop taking games off to avoid injuries or to rest.

I sort of understood why a team like the San Antonio Spurs rested players in March or April when they depended on then-ancient players like Tim Duncan and Manu Ginóbili to win a championship, but “Boogie” Cousins? The dude is only 26, and barring a miracle bigger than anything Santa could pull off, Sacramento won’t be playing playoff basketball any time soon.

There is also a rash of college football players skipping their bowl games so they can “prepare for the 207 NFL Draft.” That’s so millennial.

I get it, Christian McCaffery. Nobody wants to play in the Sun Bowl. But dude, what about the team? Same goes for LSU’s Leonard Fournette, though he, at least, is currently injured.

I want to stop being such an old geezer. See the last two issues on my list.

I want everyone to experience at least one Ric Flair clip, so here you go: bit.ly/1mu6QNe

I want more parents to volunteer for Child and Youth Services and at least 12, 9- and 10-year olds to play for the Fort Meade Cougars baseball team this spring. For more information, call 301-677-1179.

I want Ohio fans to admit Michigan stopped J.T. Barrett on fourth down.

I want Justin Verlander and Miguel Cabrera to stay as Detroit Tigers.

It’s only right that the best pitcher and hitter in Tigers history stays with the Tigers, and nothing would make me happier than another decade of Miggy bashing doubles to the gap, opposing batters whiffing on JV’s 12-6 curve ball and random cutaway shots of the future Mrs. Verlander, Kate Upton.

I want you, Jabber Nation, to have a happy, safe holiday.

It’s humbling how many of you actually take the time to read my nonsense. Just the other day, I was picking up a person at the VCC for a meeting and the DINFOS commandant himself, Col. Martin Downie, wished me well and said he enjoyed my style.

He added that my opinions were sometimes annoying, but even a man of Col. Downie’s stature can’t be right all the time.

Here’s wishing you all a happy and safe holiday and a Merry Christmas. We’ll see you in 2017, but until then …

If you have questions on this or anything to do with sports, contact me at chad.t.jones.civ@mail.mil or hit me up on Twitter @CTJibber.

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