My Wednesday morning started with a friendly, 7:30 a.m. message from our friendly neighborhood BOSS president, Sgt. Kiya Hamamura.
She wanted to know why it “sounded like there was an air raid going on” over the fort.
Fortunately for her, I was still serving as the acting, acting deputy, so I was privy to the truth: We were testing out our new “Mess Call.” It will be played every weekday morning at 7:30 to let the road guards in our newly designated PT area — basically Chisholm Avenue south of Llewellyn — that their duty is done.
Unfortunately, the person in charge of playing “Mess Call” accidentally played something you usually hear when an F5 tornado or alien army is attacking the compound.
Of course accidents happen, and as I said, Sgt. H. was fortunate I was still in my acting, acting capacity.
Unfortunately, my time in the side saddle ends today, which means starting Monday, I’ll be back as your PAO where I hear about things like gate backups and false alarms the same way you do — The Real Housewives of Fort Meade.
It’s been a good, trying three weeks full of extra meetings, a few late nights and a lot of great support from my better-qualified staff members.
But in all honesty, the change back to the status quo couldn’t come at a better time for me: Youth basketball just started, and I somehow got suckered into coaching two teams again; the holidays are approaching, which means the annual trip to Michigan; plus, my fantasy football team is on the verge of elimination and needs serious help.
It would be unfair to blame all of my fantasy woes on the DGC job. I did drop Eagles QB and MVP candidate, Carson Wentz, with his 23 touchdowns, for Bucs QB Jameis Winston and his 10 TDs.
In fairness, I did it during the week Winston was predicted to light up New England’s D.
I also wasn’t DGC on draft night when I took the Bears RB Jordan Howard with the 10th pick instead of the Rams’ Todd Gurley.
However, the new duties could explain how my team, which was consistently putting up 70-80 points per week, has barely scored a touchdown in the last three weeks. Those duties plus WR Sammy Watkins, RB Lamar Miller and the single-most frustrating player in fantasy football history, QB Cam Newton, all going to poop explains the demise.
Since I’m making excuses, kicker Dan Bailey’s pulled groin and a serious “Stranger Things” binge probably haven’t helped either. Am I wrong, or is there no way that “Eleven” and her poppa are both dead? Plus, that Demogorgon poor Will upchucked can’t be good for Hawkins’ sewage system.
Bottom line is, the mighty Allah Akbars are two games out of a playoff spot with four weeks left in the season, so barring some wins and good fortune, I’ll be on the outside looking in.
That means the loveable, cuddly teddy bear you all know as Chad Jones will be one angry grizzly, which if I were still the acting, acting would mean some noticeable service disruptions, maybe a backlog of holiday leave requests and certainly a few last-minute taskings.
But since I’ll be back to my roots in the PAO, I guess I’ll just go vent to the Housewives and find my happiness in each Cowboys victory.
Happy Veterans Day to all and see you around campus.
But if I don’t …
You can always contact me about this or anything to do with sports at email@example.com or hit me up on Twitter @CTJibber.